Sometimes I wish...

Sometimes I wish I were blind, deaf and dumb. If I were blind, I wouldn’t be so shallow when it came to looking at myself and others. If I were deaf I wouldn’t listen to nonsense. And if I were dumb, then my stupidity could be excusable.
However, I am thankful I am not. Today; yes I wish I were all these things. I’ve been all of these things, shallow, I’ve taken advice and distorted it into what I think I should do, and I have done stupid things. On a day like today, I wouldn’t mind being all these things. It’s cliché but I’ve never felt as alone as I do right now. If I were all of these things, it wouldn’t matter because I’d be alone in my head, but wouldn’t know any better.
However, this is shitty of me to write this, because I am well. I can see all the beauty in the world a blind person cannot see themselves. I am not deaf, because I can hear the sound of music and to the voices of the people I love. And I am not dumb, because I am in college…. I really don’t know how else to fill that gap other than I am writing an intellectual journal entry…. I have done some pretty stupid things in my days…. However, the difference is… I will learn from it. I have hurt 4 people; myself for doing things out of character, my best friend for treating her like a dispensable item, and a guy I apparently, “care about”….. I was going to make a disaster of him to relapse into his old bad self. And I hurt God, I hurt Him by breaking my character. I was not the person He created me to be. I feel so guilty. Where do I go from here? I’ve never felt so alone than I do right now. Lost my best friend, lost a guy friend, I lost God. He didn’t lose me, I lost Him. But… as my mother tells me, “IF GOD LEADS YOU TO IT; HE WILL LEAD YOU THROUGH IT” I hope she is right. I don’t know if He led me to this per say… but I will trust in Him to help me out of this mess. He knows I’m not perfect. God knows I’m not. I’m far from perfection. I’m a good girl, but I’m no angel. I sin, but I’m not the devil. I’m only human.